Sapphyre Raven Beaauetiful Jackson
by Aish Sheva
Summary: Sick of all those lousy OC fanfics? Here's the cure. This is the story of Sapphyre Jackson-with her dramatic past, her connections to canon, her awesome powers, and her long, beautiful black hair, she practically screams MARY SUE. It's a parody, guys. R
1. Chapter 1

_Right. Well, one day I got sick and tired of reading those crappy self-insert OC stories. So what did I do? What any idiot would do: I sat down and wrote a parody. So here you go-this is a story mocking pretty much every lousy OC fic I've read (and that's quite a few). However, I've skipped out on the terrible spelling and grammar that accompany most of the stories, because I was pretty sure I wouldn't have been able to mangle the English language so intentionally. Remember though, I'm not trying to single out anyone in here. So what are you waiting for? Go on and read it._

_Written for Element Wolf._

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Hello! My name is Sapphyre Raven Beaauetiful Jackson. Oops! Did I say Jackson? Well, shoot.

You see, I'm Percy's sister, even though neither of us knows it yet. I mean...the author made it totally obvious to the readers, but poor little me has to remain oblivious until Chapter Nine or whenever the Suethor gets too impatient with how slow things are moving.

So just forget I said anything, 'kayz? 'Kayz.

Anyway.

I'm an orphan. When I was barely a day old, a mother and father that I never knew put me up for adoption. I grew up in an orphanage where not only did we get fed one bowl of gruel each, sometimes there were maggots in it. Eew.

But since I am beautiful just like my name oh-so subtly suggests, and brave, and strong, I ate all of my gruel and maggots because they forced us to. *dramatic sob* I'm sorry...talking about it just brings back terrible memories of the hardships I went through.

When I was three, I was sold into slavery and forced to work in a mine twenty six hours a day with no rest for four years. Finally I managed to escape the mine, but was captured by a group of ninjas. Lucky for me, I managed to play the guitar and sing so beautifully (just like my name! Squee!) that they decided that instead of killing me and selling my kidneys on the black market that they would teach me all they knew.

Not only am I beautiful, I'm brilliant. I picked up on everything in less then a day and by the end of the week I could defeat the leader in unarmed combat. I would have taken over the group, but I felt that my destiny was elsewhere.

So I bid them goodbye–tenderly sobbing as I left some of the first friends I had ever had–and wandered straight into the clutches of another evil orphanage mistress.

But here, I had some luck. A nice family came along and adopted me. There was a man, his wife, and a little boy and girl. They took me home where I was able to sleep on a real bed for the first time since I was a baby. And the next day they told me that they had enrolled me in school. School! I had never gone to school before. I wept tears of sheer joy that I would finally be able to get an education, thus living up to my fullest potential.

The next day, I was so eager to get to school. But when I got there, a big, mean bully towered over me.

I was so scared I forgot how to use each and every one of the fifty three forms of martial arts that the ninjas had taught me.

I could see now that this was no ordinary bully. This was a monster. I don't know how I knew, I just did, 'kayz? Because I'm special, and a Mary Sue, and all that, I remembered a lesson on Greek mythology (a subject I had never taken, but, God! Do you have to be so nit-picky about the details?) and realized that this was a Laistrygonian giant! Oh, noes!

I grabbed my brand new ruler which just happened to be made out of celestial bronze, and stabbed the monster. It was so easy for me. It felt...right.

I went into the school, where everything went fine–my being a super intelligent child genius might have helped–until math class.

I knew something was wrong when I saw the math teacher come in. I just sensed something _evil, _you know? So after class she asked to speak to me, and of course, being the good little Mary Sue that I am, I went.

Then, something really really really bad happened–she tried to kill me! Oh, noes, again! So I managed to plunge a pair of scissors into her heart and finish her off. Yay, me, right? Yeah, I know. So then here's the worst part: NO ONE BELIEVED ME. In fact, my adopted family kicked me out because they thought I was crazy. So there I was, an orphan once again.

I had no one to turn to, and no place to call my home. So I wandered around, until I somehow made my way to New York, where I encountered the most unlikely people I had ever met and had all sorts of fantastic adventures with them...

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_Tune in next time for the adventures of Sapphyre Raven...whatever her name was. Don't flame if you're going to say it's stupid or she's a Mary Sue–I did that on **purpose**. It's called a parody, people._

_Thanks for reading._

_~Aish Sheva_


	2. Chapter 2

_Actual A/N: Thanks so much for everyone's lovely reviews. :D And to the idiots who didn't seem to realize that it was a parody..._

_Well, what can I say...?_

_Additional thanks goes to Ellen 26 for betaing this and being so patient while I got my act together. 3_

AN - Yeah, I totally don't get you people. I got hardly any reviews last chapter, and the ones I did get dared to criticize me! Me! And Sapphyre! You guys are MEANIES. –sulks- Sappyre is not a Mary Sue! No, seriously! Why don't you believe me?

-crickets chirp-

Well, I'll show you! I'll show you all! I'm going to write another chapter! So pooh on you, you big stupid poopyhead flamers.

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_Recap: I had no one to turn to, and no place to call my home. So I wandered around, until I somehow made my way to New York, where I encountered the most unlikely people I had ever met and had all sorts of fantastic adventures with them..._

So anyway, there was this boy, right? And another boy. And a girl. And another girl. And the boy was kinda cute. I think he liked me. Everybody loves a Mary Sue, right? And if they don't they should.

But you see, I could tell right away that these were no _ordinary _boys and girls. In fact...three of them were half-bloods, and one was a satyr. (Never mind how I know this, it's not important, 'kay?)

Suddenly, using my ability to see into the future (which the Suethor oh-so-conveniently "forgot" to mention) I was able to realize that soon, terrible danger would befall us.

I tried to tell the satyr, but he wouldn't listen. Instead, he led us straight into a Cyclops's lair...oh, shoot. Ya'all aren't supposed to know that it's a Cyclops's lair yet, even though it's pretty obvious. So just pretend I never said that, 'kay? 'Kay.

So then all the others got captured by the monster-right down to the little girl with blond hair. Using my mind reading talents, I had found out that their names were Luke, Grover, Annabeth and Thalia.

Since I am brave, and beautiful, and smart, and courageous, and pretty, and intelligent, and not in the least cowardly, and adorable, and with a high IQ, and totally awesome with a thesaurus, I was able to boldly sneak up behind the big, ugly monster and kill it. Yeah. Kill it.

Dead.

But after it was dead, I sunk to the ground, sobbing in remorse. How could I have taken the life of an innocent creature like that? All it had done was attempt to eat my friends!

Although everyone tried their best to console me, it wasn't until Luke gave me a big hug and told me that I was a "speshul, speshul snowflake" that I felt better.

So then we went to camp, and a lot of random crap happened and What's-Her-Name with the heavy punk eyeliner got turned into a tree, and Luke _would_ have been inconsolable if not for me. I cheered him right up. Yay, me, right? I know, totally.

So then time passed, and I grew up to be beautiful, the best swordfighter in camp (I could even beat Luke! Yay, me!) and really, really good at stuff that involved water and archery, and talking to animals, and...well...I was good at pretty much everything.

-sigh-

Oh, to be cursed with Mary Sue-ness...

Anyway, I started going out with Luke, and I think I made the little girl-Annabell? Bethanna?-jealous, because I found my silk slippers (I don't know where I got them. The author just randomly put them in there because she's always wanted a pair herself) filled with toothpaste.

But, you see, I am a good hearted person who forgives everyone for anything they did, so I went over to the Athena cabin where What's-Her-Name-2 was staying now and gave her a biiiiiiig hug and said, "I still love you, even though you're so mean."

Then WHN2 wept tears of joy, so glad was she to finally be accepted by someone.

And everything was fine and peachy until a couple of years later this boy came along. He was a special boy, you see-not as special as me, of course, but special nonetheless.

He had black hair and green eyes and the minute I saw him I felt this...CONNECTION THINGY. It's hard to put into words (or maybe the author's vocabulary just isn't big enough to describe it), but it was this...bond. Almost like we were brother and sister. (Tee hee! THAT'S A VERY OBVIOUS HINT AT THE PLOT, PEOPLE. –insert big grin-)

WHN2 took care of him and then showed him around camp and guess where he got put? IN THE HERMES CABIN!! RIGHT NEXT TO ME!! –insert another big grin- So of course I was helpful and nice to him, and I think he had a crush on me like every other boy at camp did. What a bunch of losers! I mean...half of 'em are butt-ugly. Besides, Luke would always be the one for me. (Just because I dated Travis Stoll and Beckendorf and Lee Fletcher and Malcom and a bunch of others doesn't mean I don't love him!!! I'm just...bad at commitment. Yeah, that's it.)

So, then we were all playing Capture the Flag and as usual my team was winning because of my superior skills, and then...he got claimed. By Poseidon, of course. And I had known it all along because I'm psychic as well, but the author just forgot to mention it!

Then everybody turned and stared at me. I looked up, and what do you know? There was a spinning trident swirling over my head just...like...the...one...over...that...kid's...head...

The trident started to fade, but before I had time to fully digest what exactly this meant (ZOMG I'M HIS SISTE-), the color suddenly flared again, and a new symbol appeared: one of a silver bow and arrow. That one started to fade, but then a new one appeared: a peacock! And then right after that one started to fade, the symbol of a lightning bolt appeared! Over! My! Head!

Everybody immediately turned their attention from that kid to me. "HEY, YOU WERE JUST CLAIMED BY FOUR DIFFERENT GODS!" some random girl yelled, just in case the reader had lost too many brain cells reading this monstrosity and couldn't process that fact.

I blushed. Well, I was quite special of course, and I knew that and everyone else knew that, but was I really special enough to get claimed by FOUR gods? Two of whom where maiden goddesses? And the other two of whom had taken an oath not to have kids?

Well, DUH!!!

It's called a rhetorical question, people. –smirk– But as I was saying...

Chiron trotted over. "Hey, dude, cool! You just got claimed by, like, four gods! Or two gods and two goddesses! Rad, totally rad." He nodded his head sagely and the Suethor decided that she hadn't butchered Chiron's character enough and mercilessly gave him more lines.

"So, yeah. Where will you stay? You can stay in, like, all four cabins but not at once 'cuz that would be impossible, so...yeah...

"Oh, maybe I should call up Olympus and ask 'em what's going on?"

I nodded, bowing my head to show my humility. It was important to show everyone that no matter how many gods I was claimed by I was still the same old, perfect Sapphyre everybody knew and loved.

So Chiron called Olympus using a telephone because the author forgot what the kind of messaging you do with a drachma is called and was too lazy to look it up, and immediately dropped the phone like it was a hot potato.

"DUDES, WHAT'S GOING ON OVER THERE?!" he bellowed. "IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE HAVING A PARTY...A LOUD PARTY...A REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY _REALLY _LOUD PARTY EXCEPT YOU'RE ALL YELLING...AND STUFF...SO BE QUIET SO I CAN ASK YOU A QUESTION..."

"Oh, I think that the Olympians are all yelling at one another!" called the same girl as before.

"Why are they yelling?" I asked quietly, my voice teetering on the edge of tears. "Is it...because of me?" I didn't want to cause a _fight._

Chiron looked at me gravely. "I'm afraid so, kiddo. They're all mad about you being claimed by multiple gods..." He turned and yelled into the mouthpiece, "CHILLAX, DUDES! SERIOUSLY!" Then he turned back to me. "I think what happened was..."

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AHHHH!!! IT'S AN EVIL CLIFFIE!!! :D :D :D :D :D :D :D C'mon, you can't say Sapphyre's a Sue now, can you?

...can you?

_Actual A/N: Hope everyone liked it. XD Reviews are love. If you must flame, please nitpick on something OTHER than Sapphyre's Sueness. She's supposed to be that way because it's a PARODY. Is that clear enough? Good._

T_hanks for reading,_

_~Aish Sheva_


	3. Chapter 3

_Actual A/N: Sorry for taking such a long time between updates. I can never find the time to post new fics anymore… "^^ Enjoy. And remember, THIS IS A PARODY._

A/N -ZOMGWTFBBQ!!!IAMSOOOOOOLIKE, SORRY4NOTUPDATINGYAHHHH!!!!

I bet you were all in horrible pain waiting to find out what would happen to Sapphyre (who, by the way, is like SO not a Sue, so shut up!) and I am so so so sorry for leaving you all hanging on that evil, evil cliffie!! So enjoy, because in this chapter Sapphyre goes on a quest in which the fate of the world hangs in the balance! :O So read it and leave lots of yummy reviews saying how much you love me and Sapphyre and want me to write more about her because she's so awesome and so am I!

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_Recap: During an ordinary game of Capture the Flag, I was suddenly claimed by four different gods. Chiron placed a call to Mount Olympus to find out what was happening, and it was discovered that all the gods were fighting. Over me._

"Well, like, the gods saw you from Olympus and decided that you were, like, special. Or rad. Whatever." Chiron bobbed his head in a very wise way.

"I knew that." I wiped away a perfect tear from the corner of my heavily mascaraed eye.

"Yeah, kiddo. So they decided you were so rad they all wanted you as, like, their own kid. So they were all like, 'Dude, I'm gonna claim that dude so that she can be my dude and not the dude of the other dudes.' And, like, they all happened to decide to claim you at the same time. I mean, can you say total wipeout?" The centaur sighed. "So now I think you've probably started, like, a war. Or something."

My vision started growing fuzzy. I had caused a war? Oh my goodness. I put a delicate hand to my forehead. "I...but...I never meant to cause a war! Oh, why can't everyone just live in harmony?" At that moment, it was as if the weight of the world was upon me. The Fates are such meanies.

"Yeah. Um...well...I'm just gonna go back and smoke some pot. Catch ya later!" Chiron trotted away, his hemp necklaces swinging in the wind.

Instantly, the entire camp surrounded me, exclaiming over how speshul a snowflake I was and how amazing it was that I had been claimed by four different gods. Unfortunately, since I was the most intelligent person at camp and everyone else was a bunch of dunderheads, nobody grasped the deep, tragic pain I was feeling inside at having created a...conflict. The very word made me shudder. I, the great Sapphyre Raven Beaautiful Jackson, had devoted my life to world peace as of...this very minute! Yeah. World peace was a very noble cause, and I was certainly very, very noble.

"Don't you understand, you dunderheads?!" I sobbed. "I CAUSED A WAR! People are f-f-fighting because of ME!"

The Ares cabin gave me high-fives. Everyone else looked confused.

"Well, why don't you go tell them to stop fighting?" some random kid yelled.

"Yes. Yes." I sat straight up, and took a quick glance in the river to check if my makeup was smudged. (It wasn't.) "I just had the most brilliant idea. I'll go tell them to stop fighting!"

The campers looked at me in awe. "You're so smart, Sapphyre," they all chorused in unison.

Now all I needed was some demigods to come with me. I could obviously negotiate an end to this trouble all by myself, but I needed somebody there to stoke my ego and witness my accomplishments.

"Perseus Jackson, Luke Castellan, and Annabeth Chase!" I called out, using my most commanding voice. "You three shall come with me."

The campers I had just chosen looked at each other with wonder. I knew what they were thinking—were they really smart enough to come on a quest with SAPPHYRE RAVEN BEAAUTIFUL JACKSON?

The answer was no. However, they were coming anyway.

"Pack your bags," I ordered humbly. "And pack mine, too."

They nodded, bowed—"No bowing, please; it makes me feel awkward," I told them with a smile—and ran off. The rest of the camp dispersed to whatever normal people do in their free time.

I sighed. However hard I tried, I would never be normal. "Oh, why, oh, why, did I have to be cursed with Mary Sue-ness?!" I cried to the heavens.

There was no answer. I felt so alone.

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TT_TT Poor Sapphyre! I feel so so so bad for her. She has such bad luck! It's a good thing that all her talents balance it out.

So review if you want to find out whether she succeeds or not on her BIG IMPORTANT AWESOME SUPER!MISSION TO MOUNT OLYMPUS! (I mean, of course she will because otherwise she wouldn't be a Sue. But you aren't supposed to know that!! :D)

_Actual A/N: Once more, let me reiterate that this is a PARODY. In no part of this story am I writing in all seriousness, lines marked with "Actual A/N" aside. Reviews are love. Flames are welcomed as long asthey're about something OTHER than Sapphyre's Sueness. She's supposed to be like that because it's a parody._

_Okay, I think that you've hopefully all gotten the point by now! If you still don't know this is a parody, the majority your brain cells have most likely been fried from reading too many crap!fics._

_Thanks for reading,_

_~Aish Sheva_


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